The only Christmas Party Harry Potter ever had
by Walker'sLampshade
Summary: Harry holds a Christmas parties. It gets gatecrashed, people get drunk. Everyone is there and everything goes wrong. Set after DH but before the epilogue. Christmas oneshot no.1


**Disclaimer:**I do not own these characters. Not a single one of them.

**A/N:**Things like this have probably been done so many times before…Ah well. This was fun to right anyway.

So, this the first of my (hopefully) many Christmas related oneshots. If you have any characters, from any book, TV show, film or other that you would like me to do a oneshot for, please ask. Ask anything, I'll probably know it and the worst that can happen if you ask is that I don't.

So here you go. This was requested by AlreadyOnMars. She requested the golden trio…But I added a few characters and a bit of…uh…I don't even know what went through my head while I wrote this…

* * *

><p>"Hermione, I really don't think this is a good idea…"<p>

"Harry. Really?" His friend gave him a look. "It's a party. A _Christmas_party. What can go wrong?"

"Everything."

Hermione looked at him again, shaking her head slightly before placing yet another bowl designed with various pictures of snowmen on the coffee table. This one was filled with Bertie Bott's every flavour beans.

"Nothing's going to go wrong, Harry," Hermione promised.

Yeah, how many times had she said that?

"_Ron,_have you finished making the mince pies?" Hermione called, standing with her hands on her hips.

"Have I heck as…" There was a pause. "What was that spell again?"

Hermione's face tensed and her eyelid twitched. "Idiot," she grumbled as she pulled her wand out and walked into the kitchen.

-x-

"Hermione…?"

"Yes, Harry?"

"I thought you told Ginny to only bring a couple of friends…?"

Hermione looked around at the masses of people that were currently piling through the front door of Number twelve Grimmauld Place. She saw family, people from Hogwarts, people from Ginny's work, people from the ministry.

"Surprisingly," Hermione commented. "She actually did what I asked…in her way anyway. Merry Christmas everybody!" Hermione sauntered off towards where Ron and George were standing, a large grin on her lips.

Harry's head fell into his hand.

"Are you feeling okay, Harry?" Luna was stood in front of him, her head tilted to the side and her pale blue eyes shining.

She was wearing her favourite beetroot earrings, with a large reindeer dress complete with antlers sprouting from her shoulders. Luna caught Harry staring at them. "Very realistic aren't they?" she asked, smiling. Harry nodded. "So, _are_ you okay, Harry?"

"I think so." Luna tilted her head even more. "Well, no. Not really…"

-x-

"DRACO IN BITCHES!"

Harry decided there and then that the best option for him right at this moment was to curl up in a ball in the corner and stay there for the rest of the night.

He had been considering this for a while now, ever since he'd walked into his front room to find Dean and Neville sat on the sofa while Lavender Brown stood dancing on the table top in front of them.

Harry had walked out just as she began taking off her shirt.

Now the situation was just getting worse.

"Draco! What the hell are you doing here?" Harry demanded, dodging out of the way of George and Ginny, who had been chasing each other round with discarded toilet paper for the last half an hour. Draco laughed loudly, falling through the door and straight onto Harry.

Harry pulled him to his feet again.

"Potter, how you doing?" Draco asked, his voice slurring together and making him almost incoherent. He had clearly already been somewhere else that night and had already had a little bit too much Firewhiskey.

He grinned at Harry widely, holding onto his shoulders so he wouldn't fall again.

"Uh…I'm oka-"

"Hey! Merry Christmas, Potter! It's nearly Christmas you know!" Draco let go of Harry and stumbled past him into the house, heading straight over to where Hermione and Ron were making out in the corner. "Hey! Granger, Weasley! Merry Christmas!" He promptly fell onto them, falling straight through the middle of the pair and hitting his forehead on the wall. "Ow…" He turned himself round and grinned, plucking Hermione's drink right from her hand. "Thanks, Granger! Just what I wanted!"

Draco stumbled off into the kitchen as Hermione and Ron began making out again.

Harry shook his head and turned, opening the door to the bathroom.

Three yells rang out and the door was slammed shut quicker than lightning. Harry stood with his back against the wall, panting loudly, his eyes wide and bright. Neville. Hannah. Neville. Hannah. Harry shuddered.

"Are you okay, Harry?"

"NO, I'M NOT FUCKING OKAY, LUNA! I AM NOT OKAY, AT ALL!"

-x-

"TEDDY!" Harry was nearly having a fit. "TEDDY, GET OVER HERE THIS INSTANT!" The young three year old came tottering over to his favourite uncle, wobbling around on his little three year old legs and grinning as wide as only a three year old could.

Harry nearly died as Teddy missed getting hit by a projectile enchanted punch bowl by a bare millimetre.

As Teddy reached him, Harry knelt down in front of the three year, a grim expression on his face.

"Teddy. Who got you out of bed?" Harry demanded.

"It's nearly Christmas, Hawwy!"

"Yes, I know, now-"

"When's Santa coming, Hawwy?"

"Soon. Now Tedd-"

"When's soon?" Teddy persisted, stopping to take a slug at his bottle. Harry frowned, staring at the bottle with confusion.

He took the bottle off Teddy and swiftly unscrewed the top of it, bringing it to his nose.

He took one sniff.

"WHO THE FUCK PUT FIRE WHISKEY IN TEDDY'S BOTTLE?"

-x-

"GEORGE! DON'T YOU DARE LEVITATE THAT FISH OUT OF ITS TA- RON, WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING? YOU HAVE A GIRLFRI- I'M NOT EVEN GOING THERE, DRACO, I DON'T EVE- GIIIIIIIINNY!"

"Yes, Harry?" his girlfriend asked, wobbling over with a great deal of caution on her precarious heels.

"Were you just doing a hand stand?"

"Yes."

Harry slumped.

"_Why_?"

"Because it's Christmas!"

"As everyone keeps telling me…"

"You should really try having some fun," Ginny coaxed, hitting him playfully with her shoulder and ending up chucking her drink on his already alcohol covered shirt. He almost smiled. "Hey, where's Ron?"

Harry pulled a face. "Passed out on my bed upstairs."

"Oh."

"Hey Harry!" Harry turned round to face Neville, who was grinning at him, a crazed look in his eyes and a drink in his left hand.

"Yes, Neville?"

"Sorry about before," Neville slurred, his right hand on the wall for support. "You _really_weren't meant to see that."

"Yeah, I gathered. Just…lock the door next time, okay man?"

"Yeah, sure dude," Neville agreed. He lifted his drink to take a swig. He tipped his hand upside down and his drink poured onto his chest. He blinked for a second. "I'm getting wet."

Harry patted Neville's arm before turning and walking away.

-x-

Draco gripped Harry's shoulder. "Harry, Harry, Harry." Draco spun him round, sending the smaller boy toppling into the wall and smacking his back into the stone. Draco stood on his foot. "Oh, sorry."

"What do you want, Draco?" Harry asked, flexing his damaged toes.

"Huh?"

"You wanted me?"

Draco burst into spasms of laughter. "That's what she said!"

Harry scowled. "Draco…"

"Okay, okay, okay." Draco cleared his throat. "Someone shat on your toilet seat."

"WHAT?"

"Someone shat on your toilet seat," Draco repeated.

Harry stared at him, then pushed him out of the way and walked purposefully over to the toilet door.

Sure enough, someone had shat on the toilet seat.

"Ugh," Harry said, blanching slightly and closing the door. "What the hell? Why?"

"Not that I would know, since it wasn't me…but I'm guessing they needed a number two," Draco commented helpfully.

Harry glanced at him suspiciously.

Draco grinned. "See later, Harry. Just remember, I definitely did _not_shit on your toilet seat!" He sauntered back off into the front room.

Harry stared after him.

"Harry, are you oka-"

Harry grabbed the drink out of Luna's hand. "Give me that." He threw his head back and downed it in one. He sighed loudly and shook himself.

"You look like you needed that," Luna commented, taking back her glass when Harry handed it to her.

"I did."

-x-

"Minister, you look…drunk…"

"One hell of a party this, my boy!" Kingsley cried, practically skipping away. Harry stared at the place he had been sat with disbelief.

A Christmas tree fell on his head.

"WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK?" he screamed, shoving the Christmas tree away from him, ignoring the baubles and tinsel that he sent flying in various direction and concentrating instead on getting the infernal thing off of him.

"Sorry, Harry," Hermione mumbled from amidst the branches.

"'Mione? Really?" Harry demanded, shoving the last branch on him and looking to see his friend collapsed in the greenery, her hair all tangled up and her knickers on wide display. "Jeez 'Mione, you might want to pull your dress down."

"I don't think so," Hermione mumbled, rolling her head slightly and looking from her glass which Harry had already picked up and hidden.

"No, you really do," Harry said again, pulling her to her feet.

Hermione brushed him off, thanked him and briskly walked away. Well at least some things didn't change when she was drunk.

As soon as that thought had entered Harry's mind Hermione fell over, bringing the entire ceiling of Christmas banners down with her.

George seemed a bit too happy about this new development in the decorations. "FUCK YEAH! EVERYTHING'S SHINY!"

-x-

Draco fell on him. Again.

"MALFOY! WILL YOU PLEASE GET OFF ME!" Harry screeched, shoving the drunken boy off. Draco laughed with glee, throwing his drink around and ending up hitting the glass on the wall and smashing it.

"Oops."

"For Merlin's sake," Harry muttered.

Draco turned and grabbed a drink from Neville's hand, who was just passing by. He grinned.

"Uh, no." Harry grabbed the drink off Draco and held it towards Neville. Then, seeing the state Neville was in- he had fallen on the floor and was sat humming to himself- he pulled his hand back and downed the drink himself before throwing the glass onto the carpet, where it smashed.

"That wasn't very clever," Draco stated.

"Neither was letting you gatecrash my party," Harry retorted.

Draco grinned strangely, his breath catching in his throat. "I think it was a very good idea," he mumbled, leaning dangerously over to the left.

Harry gripped his arms and pulled him straight. Draco fell to the floor in a pile beside Neville. They were both passed out.

Charlie Weasley and Luna appeared at the door of the kitchen.

"Charlie, will you- wait no-" Charlie was singing 'oh I wish it could be Christmas everyday at the top of his voice' "-Luna. Will you help me get these two upstairs?"

Luna took one look at the unconscious boys and nodded. "But I'm not taking Malfoy," she decided.

Harry scowled but agreed anyway.

He'd seen the boys shit; carrying him up the stairs was nothing.

-x-

"IT'S CHRISTMAS!"

Harry was suddenly bombarded by people hugging him and wishing him Merry Christmas in their own slurred, crazy kind of way.

Dean had just fallen off the back of the sofa and was yelling Merry Christmas from where he was lay as he couldn't seem to find a way of getting himself out of his predicament.

Hermione came running into the room with a bunch of ribbons, screaming that it was Christmas and promptly running into Ginny. The two girls ended up sprawled on the floor making snow angels on the carpet.

Harry sat on the sofa, completely motionless and watching the scene in front of him. Bill, Charlie and their father were creating their own karaoke station in the corner and were currently singing 'Fairytale in New York.'

As Kingsley passed him, he absentmindedly stuck his hand out and stole the minister's drink.

"My drink has gone." Kingsley looked puzzled, then glanced at Harry and smiled. "My drink!" Harry took a sip. Kingsley's face fell. "You stole my drink."

Harry downed it in one. "I did, Minister. So suck it."

Kingsley shrugged and wandered off.

-x-

Harry woke up on the sofa.

Hermione and Ginny woke up on the floor. Luna woke up on the kitchen table.

George woke up in the pantry and Charlie, Bill and Arthur woke up sprawled across the chair.

Kingsley Shackelbolt woke up in the snow.

Ron, Draco and Neville woke up in bed.

Harry heard a scream. He leapt off his place on the sofa and sprinted up the stairs, taking three at a time and almost falling all the way back down again as the nausea hit him.

"WHAT THE FUCK?"

"OH MY GOD, NO! I'M NOT- ARGH!"

"THIS CANNOT BE HAPPENING! WHY THESE TWO?"

"I'M NOT GAY!"

"WEASLEY! REALLY! YOU'RE IN BED WITH ME!"

"WHY IS IT ALWAYS ME?"

"I'M WASN'T REALLY THAT BAD WAS I?"

"GUYS, GUYS, GUYS!" Harry slammed open his bedroom door and found Draco sat in the middle of his bed with his arms folded and his hair like a birds nest, Ron knelt on the floor, a horrified look on his face and Neville curled up in the corner of the room, shuddering every few seconds.

Harry burst into laughter.

"HARRY, THIS IS NOT FUNNY!" Ron shouted, holding his stomach and looking like he was about to be sick.

Harry didn't stop laughing.

"Harry, I'm confused," Neville whimpered from the corner.

Harry was doubled over with laughter now.

"Potter, what is the meaning of this?" Draco demanded. Harry laughed some more. "POTTER!"

"You didn't sleep together!" The three boys sighed with relief. Their faces relaxing drastically. "But you made out with Lavender Brown, you shagged Hannah Abbot and you shat on my toilet seat."

Ron looked horrified, Neville looked terrified, Draco looked bemused. "Merry Christmas!"

**A/N:**It's odd. I know. Don't ask. Reviews are much loved:D

Again, please request things you would like me to do, it doesn't matter what. I promise, they won't all be this…weird.


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